Do you know what you do to me?
by Pandora Anne
Summary: Spike's thoughts about Buffy as he dies, set during Chosen's final scene. One shot. Complete


A/N: I posted this already but I forgot to put on the disclaimer and the Author's Note and the customary begging for reviews. Yeah, I don't beg, I merely plead. Yeah, I don't see the difference there either but eh, read, enjoy and review.

Do you even know what you do to me? You must see it in my eyes, the lust, the wanting, the love. Yes, I admit it, I love you. I didn't want to, I fought it harder then I've ever fought anything in my life. A vampire falling in love with a Slayer, who ever heard of that? Well, other then that poof Angel, but he always had to be the first for everything. First to get a soul, first to fall in love with the Slayer, first vampire to avert the apocalypse. God, I hate him, he was the reason you hated me from the beginning. Maybe that's not true, I did have something to do with it, what with the death threats and all but I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take back everything I've ever done to hurt you. Maybe then you would be able to love, maybe then you could see the man, not the monster. Or maybe I'm unlovable, the only woman that's ever loved me other than my mum, was an insane soulless vampire. So maybe every woman out there is right to stay away from me, I'm beneath them, all of them. Cecily said it, you said it. God, it hurts to think of that, hurts to think that a mere woman could take out my cold, dead heart and stomp on it so fully that I felt like I could never be whole again. Then I went and did what I did. I'll never forget it; your screams haunted my dreams for days. That one act haunted me more then any other act in my hundred plus years of life and un-life. The thought that I could hurt the one woman I loved in a fit of blind passion. So, I did the only thing I could do, I went and got the one thing you deserved. I tried to fool myself into thinking it was all for you, but it wasn't, not all of it at least. I wanted to show you that I was something other than a soulless killing machine, wanted you to love me, wanted to, God, I can't even believe it myself, be like Angel. Because despite everything he did, you still loved him, forever and ever. So, I thought if I pretended to be like him, if I put on a mask that maybe you would love me like you loved him. I was stupid, I know, you're too smart to be fooled by a mask but I tried anyways. That night I found you broken on the stranger's bed, torn up from the inside, I tried to help, tried to make you realize exactly how I see you, how without you I wouldn't exist, without you the world wouldn't exist. It was the closest to poetry I'd come in a long time. I'd composed it of course, a poet's mind never dies, maybe even written it down a few times but never recited it to anyone. If that final night at Cecily's party taught me nothing else, it was that nothing good could ever come from the reading of my poetry. But you accepted it, accepted me, asked me to stay. And, oh God, when I held you in my arms, it was like everything in my life made sense, like the answer to every unanswered question was there in my arms. I fell in love with you that night, all over again. It was the perfect night, pure, untainted. The exact opposite of everything we had once been. Then when I saw you kissing Angel in that temple, it was like my heart was torn in two, like I had give you everything I had, everything I would ever have and it still wasn't enough, like no matter what I did Angel would always win. But still that night, you came to me again, asked me once again to share my bed with you. Like I could say no, like I hadn't been yearning to hear you say that since the first moment I fell in love with you. Of course, I had to play the pompous ass, had to preserve my pride so I wouldn't be seen as a fool around you. Hah! That's a laugh, when did I ever preserve my pride around you? You always managed to get under my skin; you always knew exactly what to do to turn me into a blubbering idiot. So, I'm here now. I can feel the cavern falling down around me; I can feel the sunlight for the first time, can feel my soul squirming under the heat of the fire but all I can see are your eyes. Your heart-wrenching, soul-searching green eyes, the ones that always made me weak. It's in there, the truth, the one I've been searching for. Is it true though? Or are you just trying to make me feel better about giving up my life for you? That's what I'm doing, isn't it? The world, the other Slayers, they're just benefiting from this. I'm doing it for you, always for you. I've asked myself that a thousand times, would sacrifice myself for you? Willingly give up my life just for love? Now, I know, I would, I am, I always will.


End file.
